The Only Way Out is Through
There is nothing quite so vulnerable (or beautifully liberating) as hunting down your own demons, staring them squarely in the eye and saying, "I love you."
I am coming to realize more and more that the only real way to make peace with our wounded parts, our shadow self, our not-so-lovable bits and the facets of our personality and behavior that we aren't proud of, is to FACE them, OWN them and LOVE THEM. Not lip-service or flowery BS love. Real love. The kind where you walk that shit out into the light and stand in it, choosing it, being with it without hiding or wishing it was different. Where you let your fear take a walk and you step up and take ownership of all of yourself, your life, your choices.
That doesn't just roll off the tongue. That's a tough one and it takes real commitment coupled with a willingness to be vulnerable and on occasion to potentially look and feel like an ass.
Why does this come up for me tonight? I am, as of today, 86,061 words into a book that not only outs my life, but ME. All of me. I am holding (almost) nothing back and with every soft, squishy part of my underbelly I expose in the telling of my story, I am not just revealing myself, but I am forced to look at myself and sit in who I really have been and who I am being now. And when I choke out the words that I know show me at my most vulnerable or unappealing, I know that I must bless those words and myself, as I was (or am). I must accept and honor ALL the parts of myself, even the ones I feel shame about. And I am getting more and more that when any of us do that - get really real and stand in our truth - it blesses the world and every person in it who has ever felt or experienced the same. If I can allow myself to be raw and real and choose not to hide, but instead to be beacon of truth, even if my voice shakes, then I give others permission to do the same. And maybe... maybe they get something inside of my story that speaks to their own, and see possibilities for themselves that offer freedom.
My reason for writing my memoir was at first cathartic. Then after hashing out traumas and loss, pain and suffering, I stepped away from it until I got clear that the bigger reason is that for most of my life I have hoped that the pain I endured, the harsh lessons I learned about life, love, loss, family and the growth that was born of it have value for someone else. That another person may read my story and may see hope and strength and persistence, and find that in themselves.
I have set myself a deadline to complete the draft by my birthday on August 28th. I am claiming that here again, to keep myself accountable. I have been working on this book since late 2012. I have taken long breaks from it, to examine myself, my psyche and my life, do deep work and then return to it. It's been a huge and incredibly confronting process. It's also been cleansing, stressful, fun and passionate. And real-live WORK. And, more than almost anything else, it's been a platform for big personal growth and for finding my voice.
What I have learned: To ACCEPT and LOVE myself. All of me. To respect and honor every choice I have ever made, even the ones that make me cringe or want to hide in shame or embarrassment. To appreciate the mistakes I have made or better yet, to call them gifts, to let go of my own judgements of myself and to really take in that it was all for my good.
I get now that THOSE moments, those choices, those learnings where I had the most pain or shame or grief - that's where the gold is. There isn't much value in talking about how smart or funny or cool or awesome I am or how wonderful and blessed and fabulous my life is. That is also true, yes. And I share and honor that as well. It's just not where the lessons are in most cases. There is great value in being stripped naked and showing the world what survival looks like. What it looks like when a person is fully committed to finding a life they love despite the hand they were dealt. I get to choose that, I DO CHOOSE IT, and I want to be an example of it for others. I am a baddass, a wise warrior woman who has lived an extraordinary life. Not one I would wish on others necessarily, but one that has made me into a person I am proud of. I love myself and all my previously broken, but now strong-as-fuck parts. And I spent most of my life hiding them, afraid of what the world might think of me, or do to me. I often say to others, "no fear" and I wear a necklace that says, "fearless" - so I want to live that. And be that, even if it hurts sometimes.
Marianne Williamson said once about pain, "You have to let it pierce you and cleanse you." I align this with the title of this post, "The only way out is through" because I get that there is no growth without mess or pain. We must walk through the fire to be free, and I am willing. It's what I have been up to these past 6 years and what I will do for the remainder of my life. I am not afraid to feel and not afraid to shine. It's my birthright. It's all of ours. So I will say it, share it, be it, and do it boldly. No more hiding.
My truth and my light, my talents, my flaws and my heart's beauty are all my gift to others, and my showing the world what it looks like to be loving, open, creative, passionate, smart, clever, confused, sad, happy, funny, imperfect, human, self-expressed, bold, REAL and - to truly heal, to forgive the unforgiveable, to take responsibility for my own life and happiness and to grow and love and be joyful anyway - that's my gift to anyone who knows me deeply or reads my story. I AM love and pain and loss and light so bright it scares me at times. I am a child, a mother, a wife, a maker, an artist, a writer, a singer, a flawed-as-fuck but oh-so-grateful to be alive human being, a woman who has known pain so deep and pleasure so great, it makes me weep. And I am ever-so-grateful to have come to a place in my life where I can truly say I am thankful for ALL OF IT. And I am.
I am reading a book called, "YOU are a BADDASS" (by Jen Sincero), that a dear friend suggested and I love it already. It speaks to everything that is alive in me now. I have often been afraid of my own power and I want to push through that. I am ready. I am genuinely done playing small in my own life. I am stepping into my power and I will make no apologies for who I am. I am owning it. And my hope is that I might inspire someone else to do the same. From this day forward, I give myself permission and I commit to being exactly who I am, to expressing myself fully and fiercely and to honoring my truth.
One last note about why I am choosing to do all of this, say all of this publicly. Is it for attention? Hmmm, would YOU share intimate and potentially embarrassing information to get attention? Me either. Trust me, there are better ways if that is my motivation. It's not. It's truly about being real and vulnerable and about exploration of self. And writing is a good format for me. You may like some of it, you may not like some of it. That's for you to decide. I love you. And at the end of the day, I am always writing, creating, working through stuff for me, really. If I can out myself, work on myself, clear things up through language and make sense of this thing called being human, I figure it's better to do it "out" in the open so others who want to can take something from it.
Per aspera ad astra - "Through hardships to the stars."
©2017 M Kyle Hollingsworth & Kyle-Creative
I am coming to realize more and more that the only real way to make peace with our wounded parts, our shadow self, our not-so-lovable bits and the facets of our personality and behavior that we aren't proud of, is to FACE them, OWN them and LOVE THEM. Not lip-service or flowery BS love. Real love. The kind where you walk that shit out into the light and stand in it, choosing it, being with it without hiding or wishing it was different. Where you let your fear take a walk and you step up and take ownership of all of yourself, your life, your choices.
That doesn't just roll off the tongue. That's a tough one and it takes real commitment coupled with a willingness to be vulnerable and on occasion to potentially look and feel like an ass.
Why does this come up for me tonight? I am, as of today, 86,061 words into a book that not only outs my life, but ME. All of me. I am holding (almost) nothing back and with every soft, squishy part of my underbelly I expose in the telling of my story, I am not just revealing myself, but I am forced to look at myself and sit in who I really have been and who I am being now. And when I choke out the words that I know show me at my most vulnerable or unappealing, I know that I must bless those words and myself, as I was (or am). I must accept and honor ALL the parts of myself, even the ones I feel shame about. And I am getting more and more that when any of us do that - get really real and stand in our truth - it blesses the world and every person in it who has ever felt or experienced the same. If I can allow myself to be raw and real and choose not to hide, but instead to be beacon of truth, even if my voice shakes, then I give others permission to do the same. And maybe... maybe they get something inside of my story that speaks to their own, and see possibilities for themselves that offer freedom.
My reason for writing my memoir was at first cathartic. Then after hashing out traumas and loss, pain and suffering, I stepped away from it until I got clear that the bigger reason is that for most of my life I have hoped that the pain I endured, the harsh lessons I learned about life, love, loss, family and the growth that was born of it have value for someone else. That another person may read my story and may see hope and strength and persistence, and find that in themselves.
I have set myself a deadline to complete the draft by my birthday on August 28th. I am claiming that here again, to keep myself accountable. I have been working on this book since late 2012. I have taken long breaks from it, to examine myself, my psyche and my life, do deep work and then return to it. It's been a huge and incredibly confronting process. It's also been cleansing, stressful, fun and passionate. And real-live WORK. And, more than almost anything else, it's been a platform for big personal growth and for finding my voice.
What I have learned: To ACCEPT and LOVE myself. All of me. To respect and honor every choice I have ever made, even the ones that make me cringe or want to hide in shame or embarrassment. To appreciate the mistakes I have made or better yet, to call them gifts, to let go of my own judgements of myself and to really take in that it was all for my good.
I get now that THOSE moments, those choices, those learnings where I had the most pain or shame or grief - that's where the gold is. There isn't much value in talking about how smart or funny or cool or awesome I am or how wonderful and blessed and fabulous my life is. That is also true, yes. And I share and honor that as well. It's just not where the lessons are in most cases. There is great value in being stripped naked and showing the world what survival looks like. What it looks like when a person is fully committed to finding a life they love despite the hand they were dealt. I get to choose that, I DO CHOOSE IT, and I want to be an example of it for others. I am a baddass, a wise warrior woman who has lived an extraordinary life. Not one I would wish on others necessarily, but one that has made me into a person I am proud of. I love myself and all my previously broken, but now strong-as-fuck parts. And I spent most of my life hiding them, afraid of what the world might think of me, or do to me. I often say to others, "no fear" and I wear a necklace that says, "fearless" - so I want to live that. And be that, even if it hurts sometimes.
Marianne Williamson said once about pain, "You have to let it pierce you and cleanse you." I align this with the title of this post, "The only way out is through" because I get that there is no growth without mess or pain. We must walk through the fire to be free, and I am willing. It's what I have been up to these past 6 years and what I will do for the remainder of my life. I am not afraid to feel and not afraid to shine. It's my birthright. It's all of ours. So I will say it, share it, be it, and do it boldly. No more hiding.
My truth and my light, my talents, my flaws and my heart's beauty are all my gift to others, and my showing the world what it looks like to be loving, open, creative, passionate, smart, clever, confused, sad, happy, funny, imperfect, human, self-expressed, bold, REAL and - to truly heal, to forgive the unforgiveable, to take responsibility for my own life and happiness and to grow and love and be joyful anyway - that's my gift to anyone who knows me deeply or reads my story. I AM love and pain and loss and light so bright it scares me at times. I am a child, a mother, a wife, a maker, an artist, a writer, a singer, a flawed-as-fuck but oh-so-grateful to be alive human being, a woman who has known pain so deep and pleasure so great, it makes me weep. And I am ever-so-grateful to have come to a place in my life where I can truly say I am thankful for ALL OF IT. And I am.
I am reading a book called, "YOU are a BADDASS" (by Jen Sincero), that a dear friend suggested and I love it already. It speaks to everything that is alive in me now. I have often been afraid of my own power and I want to push through that. I am ready. I am genuinely done playing small in my own life. I am stepping into my power and I will make no apologies for who I am. I am owning it. And my hope is that I might inspire someone else to do the same. From this day forward, I give myself permission and I commit to being exactly who I am, to expressing myself fully and fiercely and to honoring my truth.
One last note about why I am choosing to do all of this, say all of this publicly. Is it for attention? Hmmm, would YOU share intimate and potentially embarrassing information to get attention? Me either. Trust me, there are better ways if that is my motivation. It's not. It's truly about being real and vulnerable and about exploration of self. And writing is a good format for me. You may like some of it, you may not like some of it. That's for you to decide. I love you. And at the end of the day, I am always writing, creating, working through stuff for me, really. If I can out myself, work on myself, clear things up through language and make sense of this thing called being human, I figure it's better to do it "out" in the open so others who want to can take something from it.
Per aspera ad astra - "Through hardships to the stars."
©2017 M Kyle Hollingsworth & Kyle-Creative
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