My Temazcal and True Forgiveness
True Forgiveness.
A temazcal, or traditional mexican sweat lodge, is a practice of gathering inside of a closed stone circular structure, seated with others (up to 10 people, which we had), as hot stones are brought in and tossed into the center pit, the room getting increasingly hotter as the ceremony goes on. A shaman sprinkles medicine water (infused with essential oils, chamomile and other fragrant plants) over the rocks, using a fan made of bird feathers to spread the heat throughout the room. Our shaman, a woman named Julia, was very young yet calm, present and reassuring, having done her first temazcal at the age of 8. She told us she cried that first time until she passed out, sleeping through most of it.
Before we entered the circular stone room though, we gathered outside in a circle to call in the four directions, North, South, East and West. It was 6pm on a Wednesday evening. But let me go back... I almost didn't make it.
When we arrived in Tulum, Mexico, we knew that a temazcal ceremony was included in our stay. I had some anxiety coupled with excitement about participating in one. I have had moments of very real claustrophobia in my life and I can be sensitive to temperatures, so I was not entirely sure I'd do well, or even be able to stick it out. We had registered for one scheduled for a Tuesday, having been told that they only perform the ritual Tuesday and Thursday each week. The day before, they informed us it had been canceled and offered to have us attend on Thursday. Their reason was that for the shaman to come, there must be at least 6 participants and in this case, there were not enough. So we said yes to Thursday, hoping that one would happen.
Later that same day, another guest with whom we'd made friends named Jenn stopped us to say they had so many people now that they had added another temazcal on Wednesday night, she was doing that one and she encouraged us to attend it. We asked that evening if there was room, and they had just had two cancellations, so they fit us in. The day of we took good care not to drink alcohol and to eat lightly. However, about 2 hour before the start of it, I was feeling awful. I suddenly felt weak, dizzy, and like I might be getting sick. I really wanted to do this thing, and seeing me, Jenn brought my over a bowl of beets, telling me that they are "very grounding", and so I ate them. I also drank a whole young coconut and ate the meat of it, then followed that with three cups of ginger tea. That did it. Within an hour I felt completely fine, even strong. I was sitting outside with Toby and I looked up into the sky and saw the most detailed cloud image I have ever seen. It was the face of an old man, a twinkle in his eye and he was smoking a pipe. Wild. I don't usually put energy into finding images in clouds and the detail on this one was uncanny. I just looked at him, amused, and took his face as a sign of reassurance, so I looked at Toby and said, "I can do this thing, the temazcal. I feel good to go forward with it." I didn't mention the cloud man. So we went.
We all gathered together around a circle of palm fronds, plants, flowers, a conch shell and a turtle flute, as well as bowls of tobacco, resin and a bowl that was covered by a cloth. As the shaman spoke of each of the bowls and what they contained, she mentioned tobacco and a "wise old man smoking a pipe" - I looked up at Toby and gave him a wide-eyed gesture, whispering, "Ask me about this later". She spoke of the four directions, calling them in one by one. She had us all face West, and North and then South, where she spoke of the hummingbird and the way it takes both the sweet and the poison from plants, acting as a cleaner or purifier. There are many great meanings and legends of the hummingbird and this animal, along with the peacock, have proven to be my spirit animals and strong messengers in my life. Hummingbird was also on our wedding invitations, I have a tattoo of one behind my right ear, symbolizing my relationship to my intuition. (We later found out that Julia also has a hummingbird tattoo behind her ear). One showed up and played with Toby just before he went to our wedding ceremony and another one appeared above our heads during it. Magic. And so, when Julia mentioned the bird, I was struck and tears rolled down my cheeks as I smiled.
Julia blew the conch shell at each of the four directions and then we filed into the room, one by one, sitting on fresh palm fronds along the wall, our backs against the stone. The room was dark and small and Julia explained that we are now all family, this group about to enter into a sacred ritual together. She began to speak and while I understand that my subconscious was taking it all in, my mind was also busy taking in the details of my physical experience. The sweat, already pouring down my thighs. The stickiness, the fragrant smells of the plants, a bundle of which she'd given each of us to use as "our tool", and the tingle of the energy of each person and their own excitement, nervousness and anticipation of what would come next. She opened four "doorways", inviting in different visions and ideas, and the first was for each of us to share the story of our name. Where it came from and what it means to us. We each did so and by the end, I understood so much about each person, simply based on how and what they chose to share.
Other doors included the opportunity to go back and feel our first breath - the moment of each of our births, to relive that moment. The one that impacted me the most was the door of forgiveness. At this point the heat was at its highest, we were all pushed to our limits and two people had panic attacks and had to leave the room. I felt myself for a brief moment being drawn to join them, it would be so easy to go into the fresh air. But I resisted, wanting to ride this out and see what I could find. A friend of mine has called me a "warrior for growth" and this, like other journeys, was something I wanted to do and feel fully, even if it was tough. I wanted to prove to myself that I could endure and also to invite in whatever growth might be there for me.
At the beginning of it, Julia asked all of us to make an agreement to keep breathing. That might sound silly but to be honest, in that kind of heat, it's easy to forget. So I was breathing deeply and letting the heat fill my lungs, welcoming the bigness, the discomfort, and whatever came next. And as Julia spoke of forgiveness and compassion, suddenly I began to sob. The sweat and the tears flowing in unison, down my legs, onto the floor. I was overcome with emotions as I felt a huge wave of relief, compassion and a newer, deeper forgiveness for my mother who abused me and committed suicide when I was a child, my drug addicted and alcoholic father who abused me and also ultimately died by his own hands, my uncle who molested me as a child, and also for myself. For all the years of self-hate and agony, for being suicidal when I was younger, for making mistakes, for hurting myself and others, for all of it. I curled my knees into my chest and did something that for me was the most tender and loving thing I could do for myself: I kissed each of my knees, sweetly and gently, as I might kiss a newborn baby. I hugged myself hard, rocking back and forth, crying tears of release. I spoke a soft, whispered prayer that I wanted to leave this here, in the rocks. This old pain. That I wanted to truly release them, forgive them and leave that here, too. I said that I wanted to be clean and free of it, as I used my tool of branches to brush away the pain and clear myself of the old stories I had about them and about myself. I saw them - my mother, my father, my uncle, my grandparents, too, as beautiful, human and imperfect and I felt great compassion for how much pain each of them had been in to do the things they did. I felt great empathy. Julia spoke of worthiness and I felt Toby's hand grip my leg in quite acknowledgment. My family is worthy of my forgiveness. So am I. I am worthy of all of this. I really got it, in a way I had not before, and felt it fully in that hot stone womb.
Julia then passed around a small bowl of water to each of us, for us to take what we needed. I poured it over my head, cleansing myself, cooling myself, washing away the tears. We also drank a cup of water each and it was incredible, how powerful the feeling of drinking water when one is truly thirsty. What a gift water is. Water is life.
I also noticed that as the ceremony began to draw to a close, that I felt thankful to my body for allowing me to do this, for being strong enough to take it and hang in there while I passed through these doorways. Julia uncovered the last bowl to reveal sweet Mayan honey and she offered it to us, to pass around and put on our body, our stomach, our faces. I did and it was so delicious, the smell filling my nose and making me smile. She also poured some of the honey onto the rocks and that smell was heavenly. As we lay still and quite, in a sort of sweaty shavasana, I remembered that one of the things I had hoped to call in during the temazcal was a clearer sense of purpose, of my path. And as I lay there, curled up on the fronds, sweat pouring from me, I heard myself saying, "Everything I draw, every word I say or write, every song I sing, every thing I do, is my gift, my creativity, my path. When I speak, I inspire and heal. When I draw, I inspire and heal. When I write, or sing or create or hold a friend, I inspire and heal." I got that I AM that. My call and longing is to heal through my art, music, hands, heart and words and I am in a continuing conversation with myself about HOW to do that. In those moments in the sweat lodge, I got the key: Is I am doing ANYTHING that is truly from my HEART, then it can only BE those things. And so it is. In that moment, I chose for myself that when I emerged from the stone room nearly three hours later, being "reborn" into my life, that I would BE inspiration and I would BE healing by being truth, by being real and by living and breathing and speaking and singing and creating from MY HEART.
As I crawled out, taking a deep breath of the cool ocean air, I felt more alive than I have in a very long time. And I felt new and naked and raw and real. And ready to live from my heart.
I talked briefly with Julia after everyone left, telling her how much the hummingbird meant to me in particular and thanking her for such an impactful experience. I showed her the hummingbird tattoo behind my right ear and she smiled, then pulled back her black hair to reveal a hummingbird tattoo behind her left ear. We hugged and smiled and parted ways. Bliss.
©2017 M Kyle Hollingsworth & Kyle-Creative
A temazcal, or traditional mexican sweat lodge, is a practice of gathering inside of a closed stone circular structure, seated with others (up to 10 people, which we had), as hot stones are brought in and tossed into the center pit, the room getting increasingly hotter as the ceremony goes on. A shaman sprinkles medicine water (infused with essential oils, chamomile and other fragrant plants) over the rocks, using a fan made of bird feathers to spread the heat throughout the room. Our shaman, a woman named Julia, was very young yet calm, present and reassuring, having done her first temazcal at the age of 8. She told us she cried that first time until she passed out, sleeping through most of it.
Before we entered the circular stone room though, we gathered outside in a circle to call in the four directions, North, South, East and West. It was 6pm on a Wednesday evening. But let me go back... I almost didn't make it.
When we arrived in Tulum, Mexico, we knew that a temazcal ceremony was included in our stay. I had some anxiety coupled with excitement about participating in one. I have had moments of very real claustrophobia in my life and I can be sensitive to temperatures, so I was not entirely sure I'd do well, or even be able to stick it out. We had registered for one scheduled for a Tuesday, having been told that they only perform the ritual Tuesday and Thursday each week. The day before, they informed us it had been canceled and offered to have us attend on Thursday. Their reason was that for the shaman to come, there must be at least 6 participants and in this case, there were not enough. So we said yes to Thursday, hoping that one would happen.
Later that same day, another guest with whom we'd made friends named Jenn stopped us to say they had so many people now that they had added another temazcal on Wednesday night, she was doing that one and she encouraged us to attend it. We asked that evening if there was room, and they had just had two cancellations, so they fit us in. The day of we took good care not to drink alcohol and to eat lightly. However, about 2 hour before the start of it, I was feeling awful. I suddenly felt weak, dizzy, and like I might be getting sick. I really wanted to do this thing, and seeing me, Jenn brought my over a bowl of beets, telling me that they are "very grounding", and so I ate them. I also drank a whole young coconut and ate the meat of it, then followed that with three cups of ginger tea. That did it. Within an hour I felt completely fine, even strong. I was sitting outside with Toby and I looked up into the sky and saw the most detailed cloud image I have ever seen. It was the face of an old man, a twinkle in his eye and he was smoking a pipe. Wild. I don't usually put energy into finding images in clouds and the detail on this one was uncanny. I just looked at him, amused, and took his face as a sign of reassurance, so I looked at Toby and said, "I can do this thing, the temazcal. I feel good to go forward with it." I didn't mention the cloud man. So we went.
We all gathered together around a circle of palm fronds, plants, flowers, a conch shell and a turtle flute, as well as bowls of tobacco, resin and a bowl that was covered by a cloth. As the shaman spoke of each of the bowls and what they contained, she mentioned tobacco and a "wise old man smoking a pipe" - I looked up at Toby and gave him a wide-eyed gesture, whispering, "Ask me about this later". She spoke of the four directions, calling them in one by one. She had us all face West, and North and then South, where she spoke of the hummingbird and the way it takes both the sweet and the poison from plants, acting as a cleaner or purifier. There are many great meanings and legends of the hummingbird and this animal, along with the peacock, have proven to be my spirit animals and strong messengers in my life. Hummingbird was also on our wedding invitations, I have a tattoo of one behind my right ear, symbolizing my relationship to my intuition. (We later found out that Julia also has a hummingbird tattoo behind her ear). One showed up and played with Toby just before he went to our wedding ceremony and another one appeared above our heads during it. Magic. And so, when Julia mentioned the bird, I was struck and tears rolled down my cheeks as I smiled.
Julia blew the conch shell at each of the four directions and then we filed into the room, one by one, sitting on fresh palm fronds along the wall, our backs against the stone. The room was dark and small and Julia explained that we are now all family, this group about to enter into a sacred ritual together. She began to speak and while I understand that my subconscious was taking it all in, my mind was also busy taking in the details of my physical experience. The sweat, already pouring down my thighs. The stickiness, the fragrant smells of the plants, a bundle of which she'd given each of us to use as "our tool", and the tingle of the energy of each person and their own excitement, nervousness and anticipation of what would come next. She opened four "doorways", inviting in different visions and ideas, and the first was for each of us to share the story of our name. Where it came from and what it means to us. We each did so and by the end, I understood so much about each person, simply based on how and what they chose to share.
Other doors included the opportunity to go back and feel our first breath - the moment of each of our births, to relive that moment. The one that impacted me the most was the door of forgiveness. At this point the heat was at its highest, we were all pushed to our limits and two people had panic attacks and had to leave the room. I felt myself for a brief moment being drawn to join them, it would be so easy to go into the fresh air. But I resisted, wanting to ride this out and see what I could find. A friend of mine has called me a "warrior for growth" and this, like other journeys, was something I wanted to do and feel fully, even if it was tough. I wanted to prove to myself that I could endure and also to invite in whatever growth might be there for me.
At the beginning of it, Julia asked all of us to make an agreement to keep breathing. That might sound silly but to be honest, in that kind of heat, it's easy to forget. So I was breathing deeply and letting the heat fill my lungs, welcoming the bigness, the discomfort, and whatever came next. And as Julia spoke of forgiveness and compassion, suddenly I began to sob. The sweat and the tears flowing in unison, down my legs, onto the floor. I was overcome with emotions as I felt a huge wave of relief, compassion and a newer, deeper forgiveness for my mother who abused me and committed suicide when I was a child, my drug addicted and alcoholic father who abused me and also ultimately died by his own hands, my uncle who molested me as a child, and also for myself. For all the years of self-hate and agony, for being suicidal when I was younger, for making mistakes, for hurting myself and others, for all of it. I curled my knees into my chest and did something that for me was the most tender and loving thing I could do for myself: I kissed each of my knees, sweetly and gently, as I might kiss a newborn baby. I hugged myself hard, rocking back and forth, crying tears of release. I spoke a soft, whispered prayer that I wanted to leave this here, in the rocks. This old pain. That I wanted to truly release them, forgive them and leave that here, too. I said that I wanted to be clean and free of it, as I used my tool of branches to brush away the pain and clear myself of the old stories I had about them and about myself. I saw them - my mother, my father, my uncle, my grandparents, too, as beautiful, human and imperfect and I felt great compassion for how much pain each of them had been in to do the things they did. I felt great empathy. Julia spoke of worthiness and I felt Toby's hand grip my leg in quite acknowledgment. My family is worthy of my forgiveness. So am I. I am worthy of all of this. I really got it, in a way I had not before, and felt it fully in that hot stone womb.
Julia then passed around a small bowl of water to each of us, for us to take what we needed. I poured it over my head, cleansing myself, cooling myself, washing away the tears. We also drank a cup of water each and it was incredible, how powerful the feeling of drinking water when one is truly thirsty. What a gift water is. Water is life.
I also noticed that as the ceremony began to draw to a close, that I felt thankful to my body for allowing me to do this, for being strong enough to take it and hang in there while I passed through these doorways. Julia uncovered the last bowl to reveal sweet Mayan honey and she offered it to us, to pass around and put on our body, our stomach, our faces. I did and it was so delicious, the smell filling my nose and making me smile. She also poured some of the honey onto the rocks and that smell was heavenly. As we lay still and quite, in a sort of sweaty shavasana, I remembered that one of the things I had hoped to call in during the temazcal was a clearer sense of purpose, of my path. And as I lay there, curled up on the fronds, sweat pouring from me, I heard myself saying, "Everything I draw, every word I say or write, every song I sing, every thing I do, is my gift, my creativity, my path. When I speak, I inspire and heal. When I draw, I inspire and heal. When I write, or sing or create or hold a friend, I inspire and heal." I got that I AM that. My call and longing is to heal through my art, music, hands, heart and words and I am in a continuing conversation with myself about HOW to do that. In those moments in the sweat lodge, I got the key: Is I am doing ANYTHING that is truly from my HEART, then it can only BE those things. And so it is. In that moment, I chose for myself that when I emerged from the stone room nearly three hours later, being "reborn" into my life, that I would BE inspiration and I would BE healing by being truth, by being real and by living and breathing and speaking and singing and creating from MY HEART.
As I crawled out, taking a deep breath of the cool ocean air, I felt more alive than I have in a very long time. And I felt new and naked and raw and real. And ready to live from my heart.
I talked briefly with Julia after everyone left, telling her how much the hummingbird meant to me in particular and thanking her for such an impactful experience. I showed her the hummingbird tattoo behind my right ear and she smiled, then pulled back her black hair to reveal a hummingbird tattoo behind her left ear. We hugged and smiled and parted ways. Bliss.
©2017 M Kyle Hollingsworth & Kyle-Creative
Thank you for this Kyle... I may never get to experience that but reading it I realize we are on the same path of healing... thank you for sharing yourself in this way... it was very cathartic for me to read and I am so proud of you. You are worthy my friend and thank you for reminding that so am I. ❤️ MaryJo Mundy
ReplyDeleteThank you dear MJ. I love you!!!!
DeleteProfoundly beautiful writing and sharing. Thank you! Your heart speaks to mine with such true authenticity and love.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this. Means a great deal to me to know my sharing is of value. In love, Kyle
DeleteI could feel your journey thru your words...
ReplyDelete