Letting Go

After a long day I lay down on the sofa around 5pm yesterday. My husband and I were choosing to stay in last night, wanting an evening alone at home. I was not feeling very well and was struggling against my body's need to stop and rest. There is more to it, but the point was that I was feeling anxious, restless and like I should "do" something. I was simply resisting what was, what I needed. Toby said to me,  wanting to encourage me to rest, "Nothing is required of you right now," giving me permission to just be and do nothing. This struck a chord deep inside of me and I suddenly began to cry as I realized what a deeply ingrained belief it is that I hold: that I must constantly be doing something, taking care of, holding things together, creating, making, thinking, writing, drawing, cleaning, organizing, DOING - and in that moment, I got that it's simply not true.

My son once said to me the healthiest thing I think a parent can hear. He looked at me thoughtfully one afternoon and said, "You know mom, if you died I would be OK. I'd be sad of course, but I'd be alright." - that was beautiful to me because it tells me that he has a strong foundation and he trusts himself and his place in the world. He's moving away from me, as he should. He knows he has what he needs to do this life with or without me here and that is huge. And, I thought of that yesterday. I also thought of all the times as a child, a teen and into adulthood where I felt I must be the one do it all, take care of it all - including everything and everyone around me. That hyper-vigilance is born of my very rocky childhood and younger years, and I honor it for all it did to help me survive. It was my tool for navigating decades of trauma and now, I can shift my thoughts about it.

Not easy, as I still have that inclination to always be doing and worrying over, taking care of, handling more than I need to. The ruts are deep. And I am understanding more and more, in the most wonderful and confronting way, that if I did in fact die tomorrow, the world would go on just fine without me. Or if I simply keep on living and choose to not take on everything, that the sky will not fall, the world will keep turning. I can honestly and really and truly let go. I no longer have to be everything and do everything. How wonderful. Beyond the matters of keeping my life in order (mortgage, job, etc), I get to decide what else I do or do not do. And, whatever I don't get to, whatever things I leave undone, it's OK. I am enough and all I have done is enough. Of course I want more, but that's something I can choose in each moment. Right now, there are dishes in the sink, dirty clothes in the hamper and a fairly long "To-do" list. And in this one, I choose to stop, breath and simply be.

 

©2017 M Kyle Hollingsworth & Kyle-Creative