Hurt People Hurt People
What lies beneath?
Body image has been
on my mind lately. And today, body shaming and the deep impact it has is foremost.
It’s funny because I posted a few days ago about some revelations I had regarding my own body and this morning I woke up and hopped onto the scale to see a 5 lbs increase in my weight. What was my first reaction? The "usual" reaction I have had to this: my face gets hot and my stomach tightens as I try to figure out what I did wrong, why this is happening and how I can fix it. Panic. Instead, this time I shrugged and hopped right back off again, deciding that yes, I’ll eat lighter this week and ensure I am exercising but I’ll be damned if it’s going to ruin MY day. I did that and it felt GREAT. Again, I reminded myself that I alive and strong and healthy today and that’s ALL I need to be. That’s enough.
It’s funny because I posted a few days ago about some revelations I had regarding my own body and this morning I woke up and hopped onto the scale to see a 5 lbs increase in my weight. What was my first reaction? The "usual" reaction I have had to this: my face gets hot and my stomach tightens as I try to figure out what I did wrong, why this is happening and how I can fix it. Panic. Instead, this time I shrugged and hopped right back off again, deciding that yes, I’ll eat lighter this week and ensure I am exercising but I’ll be damned if it’s going to ruin MY day. I did that and it felt GREAT. Again, I reminded myself that I alive and strong and healthy today and that’s ALL I need to be. That’s enough.
Then I made myself an
espresso from the miracle-producing machine that was a wedding gift and as I
sipped, I went to my Facebook thread and this was the first thing that came up:
This woman, who I'd never heard of before today and who, by a genetic roll of the dice, ended up with a face and body that our society deems "beautiful" and "sexy" and what some impressionable young women will aspire to, yet never achieve. We are broken in our perceptions of beauty and there is a responsibility that comes with making your career out of your looks, and it seems this young woman is out of touch with that. Quite the opposite, as she has used her celebrity to cause pain in the lives of others.
I read some of the comments
on this and also on Mather’s FB page, and folks are all basically saying the same thing
– that this was a heartless and illegal thing to do. And I agree. But there is
more. What I see in this kind of cruelty, is that the person doing the harm must be deeply wounded.
Let me be clear in saying that there is no excuse for it - it’s egregious. What she did was awful, thoughtless. And her lack of remorse for it is jarring. She even refers to it as a "stupid choice" instead of what it really is: A viscous act and a sign of her disregard for the well being of others - and as something that she says “happened to me” – giving herself as much sympathy as her victim. Funny, she did this herself and yet she plays the victim card. I could speculate and counter point all day, but it’s what is underneath her behavior that has me wonder what happened in her life to make her want to hurt others.
Let me be clear in saying that there is no excuse for it - it’s egregious. What she did was awful, thoughtless. And her lack of remorse for it is jarring. She even refers to it as a "stupid choice" instead of what it really is: A viscous act and a sign of her disregard for the well being of others - and as something that she says “happened to me” – giving herself as much sympathy as her victim. Funny, she did this herself and yet she plays the victim card. I could speculate and counter point all day, but it’s what is underneath her behavior that has me wonder what happened in her life to make her want to hurt others.
The pain Dani Mathers must be in, the amount of
self-loathing that must live deep inside for her for her to be so cruel - that’s
worth looking at. And, although it's not easy to say, I have felt it. What I mean by this is
that I myself have felt the sting of this kind of cruel act, yes. I was
overweight most of my life and while nothing of this magnitude ever happened
thankfully, I had my fair share of deeply wounding remarks made at my expense,
sometimes in front of crowds of people. AND, if I am going to be honest, at one
point when I was much younger, I myself was cruel for a period of
time. High school - 10th and 11th grade. I can trace the
line back to what made me this way. I had reached a point where I had felt so
much pain myself and I hated myself and my life so much that I lashed out at
others, not wanting to be alone in my agony. I was so angry at life and I did and said things I am ashamed of and as a healthy, self-loving person now, I would never, ever say or do.
Hurting other people is not healthy, or kind or
OK. It’s what people often do, and I’ve worked hard to forgive myself for my brief decline in character around my treatment of others. I hate to think of any pain I caused, as some of the cruel comments made to and about me have stayed with me all my life.
And now, when I see people behaving this way towards others - the FIRST place my mind goes is to see it as much as an act of self-wounding as one of cruelty towards the other person. My belief is that no one who truly loves themselves could be hateful to others. I can’t see how the two can co-exist. Think about it – do you know anyone who is truly grounded, solid, secure and happy with who they are who also spend their time attacking and wounding other people? Me either. And with this action of hers, she not only hurt the other woman, but she also hurt herself and I believe somewhere inside she feels she deserves it - to be hurt. Self-sabotage is often closely linked to low self-esteem, to pain and to feeling unworthy. I can speak to this as I also spent the better part of my life ensuring that I was in relationships with people who hurt me because I thought I deserved it and also fucking up opportunities for joy and peace because I thought I didn't deserve that. Part of her subconscious knew that what she was doing was wrong, she knew that it could blow up in her face, and yet she did it anyway.
And now, when I see people behaving this way towards others - the FIRST place my mind goes is to see it as much as an act of self-wounding as one of cruelty towards the other person. My belief is that no one who truly loves themselves could be hateful to others. I can’t see how the two can co-exist. Think about it – do you know anyone who is truly grounded, solid, secure and happy with who they are who also spend their time attacking and wounding other people? Me either. And with this action of hers, she not only hurt the other woman, but she also hurt herself and I believe somewhere inside she feels she deserves it - to be hurt. Self-sabotage is often closely linked to low self-esteem, to pain and to feeling unworthy. I can speak to this as I also spent the better part of my life ensuring that I was in relationships with people who hurt me because I thought I deserved it and also fucking up opportunities for joy and peace because I thought I didn't deserve that. Part of her subconscious knew that what she was doing was wrong, she knew that it could blow up in her face, and yet she did it anyway.
What is underneath this kind of behavior? While I can sit and say that Ms. Mather’s choice was
incredibly unkind, I can also say that I feel real compassion for the soul inside of
her that is clearly tormented. Regardless of what she says, no matter how many selfies in bikinis she posts or cute or sarcastic things she might tweet, I can see it. It’s
there, under that superficial beauty that she thinks is who she actually is. She occurs
to me as lost. She doesn't know that she is love and that she is in a position to BE LOVE in the world right along with being physically beautiful. It can be a powerful combination when used with love and integrity. It's a shame, because she has the power to heal others, if she'd only choose it. Fame, money, external beauty – it’s all a game and it’s not
real. What is real and what truly indicates a person’s character, is how they
behave when no one is watching. In this case, that behavior is very
telling.
At the end of the day
this rings true: Hurt people hurt people. It’s not complicated. Now, those who
break the cycle… who love anyway, who rise to be someone who stands for other people's joy and safety and peace - that’s truly inspiring.
©2017 M Kyle Hollingsworth & Kyle-Creative
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