I am sorry

I owe someone an apology. It's so long overdue.

I am truly, deeply sorry. 

For every time I doubted you, or was harsh and judgmental of you. For all the times I told you louder than anyone else, "You are not enough." For the times I let others hurt you, and didn't stand up for you. For each time I had brutally unfair thoughts like, "You are an idiot, you fuck everything up." For when I said, "You have no talent, you are fat, unworthy and ugly." For when I thought, "You don't deserve to be happy."

I am sorry for the times when you were little and I persuaded you to hide, to not tell anyone what was really happening, and that you were being hurt. I am sorry for the way I treated you through the years with horribly negative self-talk. I apologize for starving you, for over-feeding - all to shut out the pain, for the times I put your life in jeopardy and especially for the times when I let you do things that I knew were going to hurt you. A lot.
I am so sorry that I let you believe the world's problems, your family's problems, and everyone else's pain were your fault. I am sorry that I let you suffer so much more than you needed to at times.

I am sorry I nearly killed you more than once. I'll never forget how fortunate you are that you survived all that you did. It's a miracle, really.

I ask for forgiveness for all the times I told you, "Don't speak, don't say what's true." or "Don't sing, you have no business doing it, and you are not good enough." or "You don't have enough talent" or "You are alone in the world and no one truly loves you." I have lied to you, belittled you at times and left you feeling so low.

I am sorry for each and every time I didn't take your hand, tell you that I love you, and walk with you through all of life's toughest moments. I left you behind, I let you believe the lies that I and other people told you.

I am sorry for all the ways I hurt you. I am sorry for not loving you more when I could, and for not believing in you more. I could have. I just didn't know how. 

I am sorry for each and every day that I let you believe you were not enough, not doing enough, not important, not significant. I am sorry for thinking you were not smart enough, not helpful enough, and not a good mother or friend. I know you did your best in each moment and that you still do. I see that you are trying.

And even though all this time, I was wounded and simply trying to survive, I neglected you and I am sorry, down to the core of my soul. I have at times failed you and I love you and want to do better.

I'm sorry for the times, even now, when I forget and treat you poorly. I'd like to do better. I want to.


The truth I wish I had told you more is how wonderful you truly are. How gifted and loving and kind and good-hearted you are, no matter your flaws. I wish I had been kinder, especially when the world wasn't. You are enough. You are doing the best you can and I want to remind you of that. Remind you that you are human-ing just fine and that you are loved. And not just by me.


I love you, please forgive me, Kyle. 
I'm so sorry.


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