The cost of being strong
They say this eclipse today is causing us each to face what no longer serves us. To bring it out into the light and to let that shit go. It's got me thinking and feeling a lot.
A very dear friend and I just had a big conversation about strength and vulnerability. After our talk and events of the last few weeks, I feel compelled to share something today. This one is about me and what I share here is deeply personal, but I feel it's something I need to say.
Some pretty awful things happened to me when I was a child, teen and young adult. The first in a long line, and one of the most significant: I lost my mother when I was 8 years old. She committed suicide on Valentine's day with me and my sister alone in the house. We woke up the next morning and found a note, then her. Our world turned upside down. Immediately following that was such insensitivity by family members, that it still blows my mind when I think about it. The harsh and ignorant comments, our aunt and uncle grabbing us in the night and driving us out of state without telling anyone. There was no safety, no true concern for our well being. And then within months, sexual abuse by a family member... and our father's alcoholism and drug addiction...and on and on.
When these things happened, so young, no one was there to tell us it would be OK. And it wasn't OK. My sister and I had to find ways to survive our childhoods and teenage years. Well meaning but ignorant and emotionally unequipped adults did as much harm as good at times. The trauma we endured went on for a very long time and for me, my only escape from our family dynamic was leaving and moving to LA 23 years ago. The distance was necessary, and of course my pain came with me and continued for many years. In the past 8+ years, I have been doing a huge amount of work to heal as much of it as I can. It never ends, by the way. It takes daily work to keep looking at, healing and moving on from all of it. I understand that I will be doing this work my entire life. And, what I have learned and how much I have grown, has everything to do with why I must write, paint, sing and share my stories, and help others when I can.
One of the ways a young person can find to protect themselves in the space of repeated abuse and trauma is to learn to appear to be tough, strong, OK all the time. It's like armor. It's the route I took, even though it was never a conscious choice. The dark and damaging things that occurred in the years from my early childhood before our mom's death until only about 8 years ago created in me a hyper vigilance and, as a tool for protecting myself, a tendency to show the outside world that I am strong, have it together, am OK and self-contained. I was my only ally for so long that those ruts are deep. And because of this, receiving love, help and support are a challenge for me, but also as important as breath. I need them to survive and thrive. And I am learning.
People who know me and don't know my history see me as this ultra-together, hyper-productive, successful, and even sometimes playfully cocky person. And because I am so convincing, even when I don't try to be, those who do know my history, often forget....
The TRUTH: I am not all of those things. The truth is that I don't know what I am doing most of the time. I never, ever had a model for how to be a healthy adult, how to be a grounded, functional human. I am making it up as I go along and every single day I wish I had someone to guide me, other than myself. But what I have is me, and I don't have all the answers and I am often anxious, unsure, and coaxing myself to keep showing up and shining even though it's super tough some days, and so I very often feel incredibly misunderstood.
I was taught from a very early age that I was not enough. That I was (fill in the blanks with: fat, ugly, marred by my family's haunted history, responsible for everyone else). I learned to believe it and it held me back for most of my life. But I fought anyway and I can say that every step I have taken in my life I have done with a huge amount of effort. Nothing has come easy. I have earned every single step of my own growth and transformation, every sweet relationship I now have, my career, everything I own, every dollar in my bank account, and every time I step up, step out, show up and shine in any way, it's only after fighting what at times is a huge amount of self-doubt.
And that is the irony - that most people think I have always "got this" is the toughest piece because what so often happens is that they assume I can take a jab, or that I need no encouragement or support. They razz me and make jokes about how awesome I am and how I know it. I've had folks tell me in many different ways that they just assume "I know I am all that", or ask me, "Why would YOU need to work on ____" and "You KNOW how talented you are!" And of course, I get that in a way these are compliments, but they also set me up, they deprive me of what I, and we all need: reassurance, love, acceptance, encouragement and support. I remember Marianne Williamson talking once and saying something like, "Don't just support and cheer people on when they are down. Do it when they are doing well. When people shine is when they most need our love and support."
"You are so strong." If I had a dime for every time I have heard that. And I am strong. Indeed I am one of the strongest people I know. Yes. And I do appreciate the acknowledgement. And, that's not all I am. I am also at times a child who never learned how to feel safe in the world, a woman who is giving everything she can to her own child in hopes of giving him everything she never had, a friend who simply wants to love and be loved, a partner who wants to honor and be love for my mate, and a creative person who wants to give her gifts and truly wants to have them received. And some days, I doubt myself so much that I want to shut down, stop creating, cover up and protect myself.
I don't always feel seen by others because what they think they know about me is not in alignment with what is happening inside. And I get that it's not their fault. But I am not sure it's mine, either. It is my responsibility though, and so I am looking at it. Honesty and transparency are critical to me in my life and I do say these truths, I do share them. I just think most folks don't hear it over their assumptions about me based on how I look, walk, talk and express myself.
The "gift" of a life like mine is that I exude confidence even when it's not real. Don't get me wrong - sometimes it IS real. There are moments, even days when I do feel powerful, strong, secure. It's just that there are also many that I am not so sure, that I second guess myself, my value, my voice. I have always done the "fake it til you make it" thing as a means of survival and of giving myself opportunities I'd otherwise never have. At a very young age I became good at making everyone feel they need not worry about me. Of handling everything alone. Even when I was terrified, having nightmares, being hit by adults, raped, molested, I still smiled and made sure everyone else was OK by letting them think I was. It's what I felt I had to do. I felt that if I was vulnerable, I'd get worse. I'd die. Someone else would die. Or someone would kill me. That's incredibly hard to write. And it's truth.
The very thing that had me overcome and excel in life despite unreal odds, has also caused me suffering.
Recently a friend made a rather callous remark about my singing and it really cut deep. I think this person sees me as someone who thinks I am hot shit. Funny.... I feel super self-conscious around them. But it felt like a punch. That's how it landed. And I know that many people think I am super tough, self-expressed and confident enough that they can take a jab at me and it will just roll off my back. It doesn't.
And I am not sure how to mend this, how to cause a shift around this in my life. But I want to. I pay a price for having learned strength early on and I never asked to grow up so fast, to have to fight my way through the days and nights and the fact that I did, I feel, should not be something I have to pay a price for. But I do and I'd like to be cause in the matter of changing that. I am not sure how, but I am starting where I can.
And so, in the ways that I am able, I am stepping into a phase of my life where I am not just saying my truth, but I am showing it, writing about it, painting it if I can, and singing it, no matter what my voice sounds like, and no matter if I shake. And so in writing this today, I am exposing my underbelly, admitting to my fragility and asking for kindness and above all, reminding myself to be that for others and to not assume I know their strength either.
I'm thinking that looking and acting super duper strong is no longer serving me.
It's time to let vulnerability take the lead for a while.
A very dear friend and I just had a big conversation about strength and vulnerability. After our talk and events of the last few weeks, I feel compelled to share something today. This one is about me and what I share here is deeply personal, but I feel it's something I need to say.
Some pretty awful things happened to me when I was a child, teen and young adult. The first in a long line, and one of the most significant: I lost my mother when I was 8 years old. She committed suicide on Valentine's day with me and my sister alone in the house. We woke up the next morning and found a note, then her. Our world turned upside down. Immediately following that was such insensitivity by family members, that it still blows my mind when I think about it. The harsh and ignorant comments, our aunt and uncle grabbing us in the night and driving us out of state without telling anyone. There was no safety, no true concern for our well being. And then within months, sexual abuse by a family member... and our father's alcoholism and drug addiction...and on and on.
When these things happened, so young, no one was there to tell us it would be OK. And it wasn't OK. My sister and I had to find ways to survive our childhoods and teenage years. Well meaning but ignorant and emotionally unequipped adults did as much harm as good at times. The trauma we endured went on for a very long time and for me, my only escape from our family dynamic was leaving and moving to LA 23 years ago. The distance was necessary, and of course my pain came with me and continued for many years. In the past 8+ years, I have been doing a huge amount of work to heal as much of it as I can. It never ends, by the way. It takes daily work to keep looking at, healing and moving on from all of it. I understand that I will be doing this work my entire life. And, what I have learned and how much I have grown, has everything to do with why I must write, paint, sing and share my stories, and help others when I can.
One of the ways a young person can find to protect themselves in the space of repeated abuse and trauma is to learn to appear to be tough, strong, OK all the time. It's like armor. It's the route I took, even though it was never a conscious choice. The dark and damaging things that occurred in the years from my early childhood before our mom's death until only about 8 years ago created in me a hyper vigilance and, as a tool for protecting myself, a tendency to show the outside world that I am strong, have it together, am OK and self-contained. I was my only ally for so long that those ruts are deep. And because of this, receiving love, help and support are a challenge for me, but also as important as breath. I need them to survive and thrive. And I am learning.
People who know me and don't know my history see me as this ultra-together, hyper-productive, successful, and even sometimes playfully cocky person. And because I am so convincing, even when I don't try to be, those who do know my history, often forget....
The TRUTH: I am not all of those things. The truth is that I don't know what I am doing most of the time. I never, ever had a model for how to be a healthy adult, how to be a grounded, functional human. I am making it up as I go along and every single day I wish I had someone to guide me, other than myself. But what I have is me, and I don't have all the answers and I am often anxious, unsure, and coaxing myself to keep showing up and shining even though it's super tough some days, and so I very often feel incredibly misunderstood.
I was taught from a very early age that I was not enough. That I was (fill in the blanks with: fat, ugly, marred by my family's haunted history, responsible for everyone else). I learned to believe it and it held me back for most of my life. But I fought anyway and I can say that every step I have taken in my life I have done with a huge amount of effort. Nothing has come easy. I have earned every single step of my own growth and transformation, every sweet relationship I now have, my career, everything I own, every dollar in my bank account, and every time I step up, step out, show up and shine in any way, it's only after fighting what at times is a huge amount of self-doubt.
And that is the irony - that most people think I have always "got this" is the toughest piece because what so often happens is that they assume I can take a jab, or that I need no encouragement or support. They razz me and make jokes about how awesome I am and how I know it. I've had folks tell me in many different ways that they just assume "I know I am all that", or ask me, "Why would YOU need to work on ____" and "You KNOW how talented you are!" And of course, I get that in a way these are compliments, but they also set me up, they deprive me of what I, and we all need: reassurance, love, acceptance, encouragement and support. I remember Marianne Williamson talking once and saying something like, "Don't just support and cheer people on when they are down. Do it when they are doing well. When people shine is when they most need our love and support."
"You are so strong." If I had a dime for every time I have heard that. And I am strong. Indeed I am one of the strongest people I know. Yes. And I do appreciate the acknowledgement. And, that's not all I am. I am also at times a child who never learned how to feel safe in the world, a woman who is giving everything she can to her own child in hopes of giving him everything she never had, a friend who simply wants to love and be loved, a partner who wants to honor and be love for my mate, and a creative person who wants to give her gifts and truly wants to have them received. And some days, I doubt myself so much that I want to shut down, stop creating, cover up and protect myself.
I don't always feel seen by others because what they think they know about me is not in alignment with what is happening inside. And I get that it's not their fault. But I am not sure it's mine, either. It is my responsibility though, and so I am looking at it. Honesty and transparency are critical to me in my life and I do say these truths, I do share them. I just think most folks don't hear it over their assumptions about me based on how I look, walk, talk and express myself.
The "gift" of a life like mine is that I exude confidence even when it's not real. Don't get me wrong - sometimes it IS real. There are moments, even days when I do feel powerful, strong, secure. It's just that there are also many that I am not so sure, that I second guess myself, my value, my voice. I have always done the "fake it til you make it" thing as a means of survival and of giving myself opportunities I'd otherwise never have. At a very young age I became good at making everyone feel they need not worry about me. Of handling everything alone. Even when I was terrified, having nightmares, being hit by adults, raped, molested, I still smiled and made sure everyone else was OK by letting them think I was. It's what I felt I had to do. I felt that if I was vulnerable, I'd get worse. I'd die. Someone else would die. Or someone would kill me. That's incredibly hard to write. And it's truth.
The very thing that had me overcome and excel in life despite unreal odds, has also caused me suffering.
Recently a friend made a rather callous remark about my singing and it really cut deep. I think this person sees me as someone who thinks I am hot shit. Funny.... I feel super self-conscious around them. But it felt like a punch. That's how it landed. And I know that many people think I am super tough, self-expressed and confident enough that they can take a jab at me and it will just roll off my back. It doesn't.
And I am not sure how to mend this, how to cause a shift around this in my life. But I want to. I pay a price for having learned strength early on and I never asked to grow up so fast, to have to fight my way through the days and nights and the fact that I did, I feel, should not be something I have to pay a price for. But I do and I'd like to be cause in the matter of changing that. I am not sure how, but I am starting where I can.
And so, in the ways that I am able, I am stepping into a phase of my life where I am not just saying my truth, but I am showing it, writing about it, painting it if I can, and singing it, no matter what my voice sounds like, and no matter if I shake. And so in writing this today, I am exposing my underbelly, admitting to my fragility and asking for kindness and above all, reminding myself to be that for others and to not assume I know their strength either.
I'm thinking that looking and acting super duper strong is no longer serving me.
It's time to let vulnerability take the lead for a while.
I love you Kyle. Thank you so much for your transparency, your strength, your kindness and your willingness to be vulnerable. You inspire me so!
ReplyDeleteLOVE YOU!!!
Thank you so much sweet friend. Love you, too!
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