FUCK THAT (behavior)

I have experienced my fair share of sexual harassment & assault by men during my lifetime. So I feel I have something to say about it. And at this point in my life, having had as much experience as I have, I trust myself 110% in making a judgment call about whether or not a man's intentions are safe or appropriate. Like an animal who has been attacked a few times, I can smell it and I am clear when things are not right.
 
Don't get me wrong, before I say more, I love men. I love & respect many men. And, I am done making or entertaining apologies for fucked up behavior towards women by the ones who need to be held accountable. 

I posted something on Facebook yesterday about a gardener who came to give me a quote and made inappropriate comments to me, and it caused a firestorm. Most people were shocked, angry. One person took it upon herself to ridicule and diminish me and my experience, while making excuses that this man was just being playful, flirtatious, harmless and that what I should probably have done is to flirt back. Her comments were met with some very well written rebuttals, including ones from my sister-in-law and husband. Ultimately, though she held her position in her words, she removed all of her comments. And that's actually a shame, because she had a lot to teach others about what not to say to a woman (or man, frankly) in the wake of sexual harassment. 

And this is not about her. It's about all women and what we deal with every single day of our lives, from childhood on, and how so many of us our taught to just take it, laugh it off, flirt back and keep our mouths shut about how awful it makes us feel. And I call bullshit. FUCK that. 

And, at the same time that I say, “Fuck that behavior”, I am not saying, “Fuck that human being” – I can recognize that if the people I mention below were educated and had their own wounds healed,they may behave differently. That doesn’t make it OK. The fact that a man may have emotional scars, a history of abuse, psychological problems, or just be having a bad day does not justify or excuse mistreating, sexually harassing, touching without permission, molesting, raping or hurting a woman in any way. And it’s all part of the same conversation. From the inappropriate nature of the gardener’s words to forcing a woman to have sex against her will, they both live in the same realm and excusing one makes a pathway to the other. And acting as if it doesn’t only perpetuates the problem. 

FUCK (the behavior of) the gardener who showed up at my home yesterday to meet me and behaved like a predator. He listened as I told him the job I needed a quote for. After only a minute or so he began to stand closer, making comments about how sexy I am, asking if I party, and telling me how "wild" he is. He said, "Are you wild, too? I like your tattoos." He looked me up and down, all the while I am thinking that I am here alone, I have no idea how far this may go and above all - I am uncomfortable - and upon giving me his verbal quote, said, "Hey, but if you show me your sexiest tattoo, I'll give you a better price" - my response? To get him off my property as quickly as possible. This man now knows where I live, that I am home alone during the day. It would have been stupid to confront him. I am not stupid. 

FUCK (the behavior of) the much older guy who, when I was 20 years old and at a party with a friend, somehow in the crowd managed in the space of about 3 second to come up behind me, reach his hand up and under my dress and grab - hard - my ass and say, "Well sweetheart you ain't half bad if you lose a pound or two", then releasing his grip, slapped my behind, laughed and walked away. I stood there, stunned. The event was over and all I could do was get out of there.  

FUCK (the behavior of) the doctor I went to when I was 21 years old because I found lumps in my breasts and was afraid since my grandmother had just had breast cancer. Instead of doing an appropriate breast exam (this was my first ever so I had NO idea what to expect), he asked me to sit up, drop the gown (no nurse in the room) and then came up behind me, cupping my breasts and pressing his chest against my back, rubbing them slowly. I froze both in fear and shock as he felt me up. I knew this was wrong but again, I was frozen and confused and I left feeling so much shame I never mentioned it for a decade. 

FUCK (the behavior of) the boss I had at my first job, a place called Burger Plus, who groped me and the other female employees at every opportunity, slapped us on the butt and called us, "baby" and asked us out for drinks after work. We were 16 years old. 

FUCK (the behavior of) the guys at my next burger job who would, on a daily basis, come up from behind me and other girls and unzip our uniforms, exposing our bras/chests. They all laughed, including the manager who told me if I don't like it, I can leave. 

FUCK (the behavior of) the old man who came into the drug store where I was stocking shelves at 17 years old and grabbed me by the neck, with no warning, shoving me into the shelf,  sticking his tongue in my mouth, then tossing me backwards and walking out as if nothing had happened. 

FUCK (the behavior of) the uncle I had who, when I was 10 years old, cornered me late one night while everyone slept and sexually violated me, leaving scars that I am still trying to heal. 

FUCK (the behavior of) the two men in the grocery store at 5pm on a weekday who followed me around like animals planning a kill, looking me up and down like meat, making comments and making me feel unsafe, literally stalking me in the fucking grocery store. 

FUCK (the behavior of) the man I had never met in my life who, in a moment of vulnerability at a community gathering, put his hand on my butt (reaching around his daughter to do so), then denying it. 

FUCK (the behavior of) my own dad the day he chose to hide outside my bedroom door and slowly, quietly open it while I was undressed and watch me walking around naked, until I heard him and ran to close the door and lock it. 

FUCK (the behavior of) my roommate's friend who climbed on top of me as I slept and raped me in my own bed when I was 19. (No, I was not drunk or high and no, I did not ask for it). I woke up to him holding me down, inside of me. 

It all matters. Every act that crosses a woman's boundaries is wrong and...... FUCK (the behavior of) anyone when they apologize for, or diminish the impact of the actions of, a man who crosses a boundary like these, or in any way tries to make me or other women feel we are being "dramatic" or "uptight" and not “giving these men the benefit of the doubt” that they are just "being playful and flirtatious" instead of acknowledging that this is a real problem, that it's just plain wrong. It is critically important that women not be gaslighted into thinking something is wrong with us when we are harassed, or that we are being dramatic or making a fuss over nothing. It is incredibly important that women speak up for women. And speaking out about this, calling it what it is and sharing my experiences feels important to me.