#metoo

Today. This day. I want to acknowledge all who have bravely stepped forward, and to equally acknowledge all who have stayed silent.

Neither road is easier. It is not easy to live with, it is not easy to speak of and it is not easy to hold in silence. It takes courage to live with it, no matter whether it's ever shared. We all hold the same pain, and we all live with the impact. Whether we speak the words or not, whether we do the work to heal the trauma of it, or whether we simply can not face it, we carry the experience with us for all of our lives. And our voices matter. Our experiences matter. WE MATTER. Our hearts and our bodies and our safety and well being matter. May all of this speaking our truth help to be the push needed to make the change that is long overdue.

I am ever so thankful for the huge number of people, both men and women, who GET IT. Who choose, instead of making jokes or excuses or diminishing our experiences with any number of outdated and irresponsible remarks, to speak out clearly that it is NOT OK to violate, to harass, to catcall, to instill fear, to stalk, to threaten, to touch without consent, to assault, to rape.

THANK YOU for sharing your truth, your stories, your pain. I love you. I am here for you. I see you, I feel you and BELIEVE YOU. I am one of you. And in solidarity, and because I feel I can, I share one of my many experiences, my first that I remember:

My first memory of feeling the very real fear of being touched in a way that I knew to the core of my being was wrong was when I was 9 years old, only months after losing my mother to suicide. I can not imagine being more vulnerable than I was then. My uncle came home drunk one night to find me alone in the living room of his house. My sister and I were spending the night with him, my cousin and aunt.

My aunt, cousin and sister were asleep and I had stayed awake to watch TV. He came stumbling into the house and sat down across from me. I was watching a horror movie and was immediately worried I’d be in trouble for being up so late. His eyes were bleary and he smelled of whiskey. He said, "Hey darlin'" and asked me to come over and give him a hug - something I had been taught to always say yes to - so I complied even though I was uncomfortable. As I came near him, he grabbed me by my hips and pulled me close and in a moment, his hands were up the back of my nightgown, and on my butt. Then his fingers were inside of me, all so fast. I was frozen, like an animal in the wild, terrified to move, no idea what to do. Then, on instinct I “became” much older and knowing that I had to do something fast, I whispered in his ear, “I’ll be right back, OK?” and gently pulled away. He released his grip and I smiled in a way I thought a lover might do, and slowly walked away, then ran, into my aunt’s bedroom. I crawled into bed with her and screamed loudly, to wake her. She asked what was wrong, I told her I’d had a nightmare and she wrapped her arms around me and I knew I was safe, for then.

There were many, many more instances like this, and different from this, through the years. Still now.

Strangers. Relatives. Employers. My own father. So many.

And, to compound the impact, I have had men and women alike say the most unbelievable things like, “Well, at least he didn’t rape you, so it’s not that big of a deal” or “Yeah, uncle so and so does that to all the women in our family” (both of these in response to what happened when I was 9), or “You should be happy men find you so sexy,” or "It's best to just shut up and give them what they want" or “All men do that, you may as well get used to it” - and countless more.

It’s unreal to me that still today women, too, makes excuses for assault, for inappropriate and dangerous behavior. I have had friends tell me to "not be so dramatic", or to “flirt back” and “play the game” - FUCK THAT. I will not play the game where I am the prey and the predator gets a free pass and is protected while I am made to feel like a drama queen or less than for saying NO to a male or female (I’ve experience both) making me feel unsafe, touching me without my consent, or harming me (or anyone).

NO. NOT OK. NEVER OK.

When we stand together, we stand strong. If you need me, reach out. I will listen. I love you. I am with you.

#metoo